


The Throne of Shitsby

by BlueEyedArcher



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types, Assassin's Creed Valhalla
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Kissing, M/M, Romantic Fluff, Throne of Shitsby mission, Toilet humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:07:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28080651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyedArcher/pseuds/BlueEyedArcher
Summary: "The throne of Shitsby." Eivor had declared it with all the confidence of a boar uprooting a field with its tusks, filled with a level of certainty that his claim would not be rebuffed. And much like an errant boar, all who dared deny him that right met a bloody death, gored on the end of his tusk. The strange 'savages' who had built such a filthy home for themselves in the desecrated carcass of an old church, a futile husk no longer deemed worthy under the eye of this land's so-called god, had been hardly any challenge at all.
Relationships: Eivor/Tarben (Assassin's Creed)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	The Throne of Shitsby

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the blue node Throne of Shitsby mission outside of the Settlement in England. With some soft fluff with Tarben, Eivor and Dwolfg in the aftermath because these three needs some more soft goodness in their lives.
> 
> This is my first time writing for AC Valhalla, so please comment and kudos below what you think. I would appreciate it greatly.

"The throne of Shitsby." Eivor had declared it with all the confidence of a boar uprooting a field with its tusks, filled with a level of certainty that his claim would not be rebuffed. And much like an errant boar, all who dared deny him that right met a bloody death, gored on the end of his tusk. The strange 'savages' who had built such a filthy home for themselves in the desecrated carcass of an old church, a futile husk no longer deemed worthy under the eye of this land's so-called god, had been hardly any challenge at all.

Despite the pungent odor that filled his nostrils, he still forced himself to root around a bit more until he was satisfied that he had claimed every silver coin and shiny bauble that once belonged to the now dead men. Their bare corpses now lying in the inch deep bog water with it's similar stench that clung to every inch of him when splashed. The red misting of their blood was an ample offering to the earth as it spread around in heedy swirls and filled his breath with the added metallic tang that only furthered the foul miasma soaking into his gear the longer he lingered.

He drew back his lips in a curl of disgust before picking his way out of the hollowed and shattered husk of the building left behind with the eerie torch glow flickering in the late night fog rolling in over the lowlands.

The trek back towards the settlement was a slow walk as his boots squished against the earth and slipped on the damp mud making every step hazardous, both to his safety and his pride. He didn't need the others seeing him topple over like a fragile foal on dainty legs.

The steep hills of the English countryside were nothing compared to the rising cliffs of Norway but still their own miserable obstacle when home was close at hand and Eivor wanted nothing more than a hot meal and to rest on something a little less vile. The earlier morning spent hunting with Petra led him on a wild chase after some rabbits that ended in a battle with a wandering pack of hungry wolves. Unlike Dwolfg, they were not so happy to see him.

Climbing over the hilltop, he paused at the peak to admire the sun soaked land as if the All Father himself smiled down upon them. The great tree at its heart swayed, the blue banners dancing in its branches to the alluring song of the wind, telling whispered tales to rival that of any Skald.

It was tempting to take a seat on the nearest stone and watch as the sun bows to the moon and submits this day to the humble shadows of night but Eivor was more eager to be home and washed up before the chill of evening could creep in on him. A warm fire and a bed were an enticing reward for a day's hard work.

Delaying just a few more moments, he watched as Synin soared above him with a welcoming caw, she circled above his head, once then twice before gliding off towards their home. Taking that as his sign to go, he started the unsteady descent down the steep dirt trails carved into the hillside by hoof beats carrying hunters, traders and fellow vikingrs in and out of the settlement. He barely made it past Rowan’s stable and Valka’s hut before he was accosted by one very enthusiastic white blur set upon him by the excited giggles of nearby children. Dwolfg barreled right into Eivor, knocking him back into the dirt as her mighty paws pinned him in place so she could sniff and lick at his face. Eivor could hardly get a hand up to deter the searching muzzle that poked a cold touch against his neck that sent another shiver through his already cold and wet body.

He let out a huff of air and a breathy chuckle. “Dwolfg, down girl. Come on. I need to get up.”

“Hi Eivor!” One of the girls cheered excitedly as the other two of their trio of mischief makers laughed at the white wolf’s eagerness to flop on top of him. Eivor grimaced, aware that she would need a bath as well before this is done if she wants to get into the Longhouse and past Randvi. Hel, he would need a bath as well before Randvi lets him anywhere near his bedroom and he didn’t feel like stripping down and running nude through the settlement just to get back to his belongings.

With one hand holding the wolf off, he managed to manhandle her into lying across his lap as he settled an amused look upon the children who grew closer before wrinkling their noses. They were far from subtle in their disgust and outward groans and mocking faces.

“Eewww Eivor!” They cried.

He laughed. “Children, could you do me a favor and go get Tarben for me? It is of the utmost importance.”

“What’s so important?” The young boy asked with a gleam of interest in his eyes.

“Ah, now that is a secret that not even the ravens know my little friend.” Eivor answered. “But maybe I’ll tell you another time after I’ve requested Tarben’s aid in an important matter.”

The children considered this, before chirping back with a single. “Okay!” in unison. It was startling how in tune they all were with one another and how much trouble they could get into around the settlement. He chuckled to himself as he ruffled Dwolfg’s ears and scratched the top of her head. She parted her maw with a wolfish smile, baring all her wonderfully sharp teeth up at him with a lolling tongue and wagging tail beating the earth and stirring up a dust cloud that made Eivor cough a little. He sank his fingers into her fur and combed through the thicker layers around her neck and along her breast bone, marvelling at her contented beauty.

It was no secret that Eivor has a long and perilous history with wolves, his name of Wolf-Kissed made that clear to all who knew him. He bore the scars of a terrifying battle on his skin where teeth ripped through his flesh and left the frightened child he once was, huddled and wounded in the snow, injuries cast across his flesh and his heart that night. Were it not for Sigurd, he would have frozen or bled to death on that icy Hel.

Years of battle and hunting taught him to still himself, through meditation he had conquered that fear so it no longer controlled him but from time to time, he still found his blood running cold when a distant wolf howls, and even now, the vision of Dwolfg in the Longhouse at night would cause his heart to beat rampant like a war drum until her comforting weight would come to rest on his lap or chest and her soft cold nose would poke and prod at him in reassurance that no, she was not like those cruel paws and rending teeth that tormented his nightmares. She was friend like Synin, she would guide him on this journey until he greeted the gates of Valhalla and joined his family in Odin’s Halls.

In his quiet reverie sitting in the dirt of the path, Eivor noticed the approaching steps coming up the trail. With the broken golden light of a day ending barely breaking through over the tree line, it illuminated the man he had been thinking about all day long. His dark blue tunic and hair carefully tied back into a wolf tail to stay clear of his vision as he worked, the concerned expression softened as it fell upon Eivor. He returned the look with a goofy grin of his own, one that broadened when Tarben's looming presence cast a long shadow over him and Dwolfg. He wrinkled his nose, a far more subtle gesture than the children before sighing.

"What have you done now, my love?" Tarben shared a look of puzzlement as he searched the Vikingr for any signs of injury other than a lack of his wits it would appear given the defeated sinking of his shoulders. Eivor chuckled. 

"I was simply enjoying a nice stroll through a bog when I found a throne fit for a Saxon King." He gave a breathy laugh as he ran his fingers over Dwolfg's head as she flopped onto his legs more before rolling over between them and lying with her belly up to the fading sunlight and coaxed his hand to stroke the length of fur.

"Was it made of shit?" There was a note of disbelief in Tarben's voice to which Eivor amused himself with. 

"Actually, it was. A throne made of mud and manure. The whole place was foul with it as were the madmen who worshipped it."

There was a look of distress on Tarben's face, crinkled with disgust and that signature look that told Eivor he never ceased to shock the soft hearted baker with his neverending antics. He was certain if Sigurd were here he would also agree.

"Come on, let's get you washed up." Tarben ushered, giving a whistle that stirred Dwolfg back to her feet and allowing Eivor to climb to his own two feet. His attempt to dust himself off hesitated before giving up with a sigh of defeat. He would need to scrub his gear and air it out for a few days. He only hoped he could get the stench out of the fabric of his cloak.

Tarben parted with him to fetch a clean change of clothes and returned with a wash rag and a bar of soap made with honey, vegetable oil and lavender, a nice change from the Saxon made soaps of animal fats. Something that he enjoyed of their luxuries trading with their friends from the Far East. Reda and Hytham have even shared knowledge on how to make such a soap which became rather popular among the people of the settlement and those who came to trade with them. Yanli introduced other foreign plants with Valka's help to give more alluring fragrances that both Eivor and Tarben enjoyed immensely.

Eivor stripped off his gear one piece at a time and laid them in a pile on the grass. Dwolfg 'helped' by closely inspecting each piece with her nose, sniffing excitedly at them. 

"What do you think, girl?" She lifted her head and snorted at him, giving it an energetic shake. "Yeah, needs some work. I agree."

"I see you're occupying yourself by consulting the expert." Tarben called as he approached Eivor near the waterfall. He had the clean dry clothes hanging over his arm as he paused to set them on the bench Valka placed near the water's edge.

"Hmmm, she is very wise." Eivor teased.

"Sounds like you could learn a thing or two from her. Like not playing in filth like a child." Tarben folded his arms over his chest and offered a lazy smile to Eivor who pouted in return.

"I was not _playing_ in filth." Eivor rebutted. Tarben cocked a brow in challenge causing Eivor to resign himself to admission. "I….may have sat in the throne of shitsby."

"The throne of shitsby?" The look on the baker's face was priceless as Eivor chuckled.

"It was indeed a throne of shitsby and it's people, the little shits, were not pleased with my declaration on their Kingdom."

"Were it not for the fact that I _know you_ Eivor, I would have assumed this all a child's fantasy, made up and outlandish as it sounds." Tarben lamented.

"Awww come here. Give me a hug." Eivor grinned and held his arms open for Tarben. The baker wrinkled his nose at the nearly naked man as he stepped forward before promptly giving the Vikingr a firm shove back to the chest, throwing him into the water. Dwolfg eagerly jumped in after Eivor giving a happy woof as she leapt in after him, her paws paddling around as Tarben crouched down beside the water's edge and watched Eivor resurface, shivering at the sudden shock of cold before his body could adjust. He accepted the offered wash rag and soap and waded in the shallows where he could proceed to scrub himself clean again.

Once the vikingr was scrubbed spotless, the soap was turned onto Dwolfg who bounded around restlessly as her fur was made smelling of flowers and freshly scented. They both took one more dip into the pond, swimming a lap around together before heading for the shoreline. Eivor shook the water from his limbs and started squeezing the excess from his hair when Dwolfg shook down beside him. Tarben held his hands up to protect from the flying droplets flung his way before passing a towel to Eivor.

Night had fallen fast during their impromptu bath, causing the evening chill to creep upon them with no remorse. The vikingr wrapped his belongings up and tucked them into a crate outside with the request that Valka may have something to get the scent out in the morning, but for now, he only had one thing on his mind as he donned his clean dry clothes. A hot meal awaited him in Tarben's home where the two collapsed into the warm pelts on the baker's bed.

Strong hands ran along the length of Eivor's body as Tarben savored his clean skin and inhaled the scent of the soap and the faint smell of smoke in his hair. The meal and honeyed mead was sweet on their tongues as they kissed and mingled together, limbs intertwined with lazy embraces. Eivor melted into Tarben's touch and nuzzled the crook of his neck as he relished in this feeling. This sense of home, stronger than any other he has felt since he was a small boy. He finally found where he belonged and there was no expectations upon him to be anything more than who he was. Excitable, poetic, sharp minded and compassionate.

Tarben traced his fingers along the curve of his jaw with a faint smile dancing on his lips before pressing their foreheads together. They breathed as one, a single soul linked by a bond of love stronger than Eivor had ever felt in all his long lonely nights. These hands that created beautiful things that inspired and delighted him, cradled him now with all the gentleness and care that Eivor never thought himself worthy of.

"You think loudly for one so quiet." Tarben commented, his voice pressed against his cheek as the soft bristles of the baker's beard tickled his skin.

"I could be louder if you'd like." Eivor retorted, earning a faint blush to Tarben's cheeks as the man caught his meaning and shook his head slowly. The cocky grin was not lost as Tarben sighed.

"You tease me."

"It is not necessarily a tease, more like a request." Eivor corrected. "It's going to be a cold night, Tarben and I'd like you to help me warm up."

"I believe that is a request I can help with." Tarben assured, one hand snaking around Eivor's waist as he pulled the Vikingr underneath him more. Eivor looped his arms around the baker's shoulders and dragged him into another kiss, chaste at first then deepened into wild passion as their bodies ground together in little stirs and motions, easing up that flair that warmed their loins and sparked their hearts to beat faster like ominous drums thundering away in anticipation.

A beat thwarted by the large, fluffy, better smelling and mostly dry wolf that somehow snuck her way in and barreled into the two men.

"Dwolfg!" They both shouted, unraveling quickly as she pounced on Eivor and flopped across his chest. Tarben was not spared as the thumping tail smacked the side of his face and hit his shoulder as the she-wolf sprawled across the vikingr's chest.

There was a laugh of amusement as Tarben chuckled. "She must have heard you were cold."

"Very funny." Eivor sighed, ignoring the excitement that had started to burn in his veins. _Oh well._ He thought. They would always have time to indulge their greater desires. With a gentle tug on Tarben's sleeve, Eivor dragged the baker back into bed with him, allowing the wolf to use them both as a pillow, shoving her head and nose in between them to share the spoils of too many kisses and not enough space.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're a fan of AC Valhalla and looking for a place to meet other fans of the game and content creators, come join the AC Valhalla fan discord!
> 
> https://discord.gg/QhZgdacNZ4


End file.
